Stop Saying ‘I’m Sorry’

“Sorry to bother you, but I’m going to need that pen back.”

“I’m sorry, but this isn’t what I ordered.”

“Sorry, but could you please speak up?”

Does any of this sound familiar?

You’re apologizing when someone bumps into you on the street or steps on your foot; you’re apologizing when someone cuts in front of you at Starbucks; and sometimes, you’re even apologizing just because it’s Wednesday night and you can’t find anything else to do.

It’s become so common for many of us to apologize to someone for something we are not responsible for that we don’t even think twice before saying it now. So, what’s causing our over-apologetic tendencies? And what can we do about them?

It could indicate low confidence levels.

Low self-esteem can be just as much a consequence as it is a cause of over-apologizing. When you apologize too often, it sends the message to yourself and others that you are somehow always at fault or wrong. This can lead you to feel less confident in anything else you do throughout the day.

It could mean you’re too hard on yourself.

People who apologize for no reason are likely too hard on themselves, which can be partly due to the self-esteem issues mentioned above. In some cases, it could be a sign of perfectionism.

When you hold yourself to impossible standards, the real reason you apologize excessively isn’t necessarily to ask forgiveness of others. Instead, it’s like you are apologizing to yourself for each little mistake or shortcoming.

It could be a sign that you’re anxious or uncomfortable.

Constantly saying ‘I’m sorry’ could also be a sign of anxiety; taking the blame for things may be your way of taking control.

It could signify that you’re a people pleaser.

Put plain and simple, you want others to like you — even if that means feeling responsible for another’s behaviors or mistakes. In either case, you are too concerned with others’ opinions, wanting to avoid anything that could land you on their bad side in the slightest.

Learn to stop over-apologizing

Notice the habit.

The first step is to recognize that you’re constantly apologizing. Be mindful of the situations and moments when you find yourself saying ‘sorry’ out of habit.

Practice this a few times, and eventually start to note your feelings and thoughts in these moments too. Your excessive apologies are like cues for any of the reasons above. For instance, you may discover you’re feeling inadequate or anxious, and from there, you can address the root of the problem.

Know when to apologize.

Be sure you are apologizing only when necessary. There will always be some instances where it’s okay to say ‘sorry’; for instance, when you hurt someone’s feelings. However, you do not have to apologize for things you cannot control.

Practice things you can instead of ‘I’m sorry.’

A response that’s so ingrained can be difficult to break, especially if it’s a habit connected to an even more deep-seated reason. But once you cultivate more awareness and practice saying what you mean, phrases other than ‘I’m sorry’ will become your new second nature.

So, what can you say instead? It depends on what’s happening. Instead of apologizing for not responding to someone immediately, say: ‘thank you for your patience.’ Instead of saying sorry when you need your pen back, say, ‘I need my pen back.’

When your server puts olives on your pizza, and you can’t just take them off because you loathe the way they change the taste of everything else, say, ‘unfortunately, this order isn’t correct.’ And finally, when someone cuts in front of you in your beloved Starbucks line, say, ‘excuse me,’ as you take your place back in line.

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